Hitting the big 1ohhhhhhhhhhh!!

One senseless...another egomaniacal...third prude and upright...fourth brain-damaging...and the list just keeps growing as I come down to my 100th blog.

More than 3 years later, I have finally arrived at the big 1-00. Actually had I made blogging a regular event in my life, I would have made it to this point earlier but never mind. I generally take my own sweet time with all the things up, close and personal to me and this blog is just one of those things.

For better or worse, I blogged about movies, books, poetry, prose, writers, directors, artists - all the things that caught my fancy. I made a conscious attempt to keep my real life experiences from becoming too detailed and have never put down much about the people, new and old whom I encountered in the last three years. I admit that it would have made the blogs more interesting and more intimate but it might have ended up hurting people because not everyone likes to see themselves in the light of others' perspective of them. I wrote about my life (or something like it) with a tone of self - deprecating humor cause I will always view it that way. Taking it seriously just doesn't go down well with me; plus that's the only way I have any fun with it.

I am a much different person than I used to me; my perceptions and ideas about the world and the people living in it have undergone a meteroic shift but at the core of it all, I still believe; I still have my faith. And I am still a kid at heart; ever trusting to the point of being suicidal. I guess I have a natural aversion to growing up and acting all high and mighty. I have to be the female Peter Pan, happily gliding about in my imaginary Neverland without a goddamn concern about my advancing age (its always at the back of my mind though) and no idea on how to get down to the business of earning a fabulous living and sorting out my priorities in the real world. I can't still bring myself to tell the nerve-wreckers to 'fuck - off' to their faces and absolutely hate being rude and uptight even when the situation demands it. But then that's me...though I have to say I have become stronger, I can handle more stress - both emotional and physical and the experiences have made my instincts sharper. So not all that bad, huh..I guess not.

In my head, I think by now I should have been at a certain place, with certain privileges and a body of shining achievements but I am not there. I am not where I began but in a limbo somewhere between these two places. Time somehow takes its own sweet course with me while I am racing along its side and yet it still wins. Its not fair but then with time you can't always win. So many of my friends are married now and have gone away to their own separate lives with their new priorities. Time has beaten me there too; I couldn't be with most of them on their special days and now a huge chasm of lost moments stands desolately and unforgivably between me and them. I can't seem to bridge it, making fumbling attempts to throw ropes across but in vain.

Between shoots, when I come back to my family I often hear of births and deaths in the families of relatives, all of whom are just wisps of blurred images as if from another lifetime. I often lose track of days, dates, festivals, wedding anniversaries, birthdays when I am shooting and when I am not, I really don't know what to do if I remember them at all. Life has become disjointed in ways; exists between certain periods and at other times, it seems to have smoked away. Amidst all the hustle and bustle of the shoots and the disquiet of the non-shoot days, I wonder if I am going down the right way...And ironically, only my dear friend and worst foe - Time can tell for sure.

This whole self-introspection trip is not the stuff that should ideally make up the 100th blog. It should be more of a celebration, a kind of achievement or something but I think of it more like the way I think of a birthday. More than a day of fun, its a day of thinking of life at that point. And that's what I did with my blog today...

What did you guys think of my blogs so far? Let me know...Promise to come back with something really funny. :)

Since the last blog..

which was really a long time back, I have realized that it is not a good thing to take a long hiatus with an uncharacteristic blog like my last post. 'A vampire boyfriend is fine by me' is probably my worst-conceived blog idea which I managed to put down quite well and immediately regretted posting. The fact that I wrote it so passionately added to my woes because all the people who read it couldn't believe that my ideas about men had undergone a paradigm change from intellectually stimulating to physiologically divine, a perception that couldn't be further from the truth. I guess it was just a fit of hormonal overdrive that made me react to Edward Cullen in such a mindless fashion and I remember that the minute I finished my last blog, I snapped out of it and began to question my basic sensibility about writing it. Still, I went ahead and posted the blog and never bothered to delete it inspite of being ashamed of it just to serve me as a reminder of the really bad choices I am capable of making even in my sanest moments. But I shouldn't have waited so long to post another blog. It is like having a bad aftertaste in your mouth, having a Listerine nearby and not bothering to gargle with it....Anyways moving on...

Since reading the crap called 'Twilight', I have thankfully moved onto better books. Starting off with the incredible 'The Manchurian Candidate' by Richard Condon which boasts of being a controversial and nightmare-inducing thriller given its premise of brain washing (absolutely original at the time of its first release in 1959), it more than stood up to its fanfare and high expectations. This is not the stuff that Booker winners are made of, but it is certainly high entertainment, devilishly narrated by a man whose sweat stinks of the waters of Hollywood. I read it feverishly, sinfully delighted by its melodramatic plot that meanders expertly through themes of war, terror, spies, brainwashing, cold war, incest, megalomaniacal motherhood and then of course, quite unexpectedly a little fervent love. The characters are well-etched and the mother's character is probably one of the most demonic ever written. Definitely a must-read. Needless to say, it spawned a movie and then another....Hoping to catch the original one with Frank Sinatra and Angela Lansbury soon.

On a friend's recommendation, I got hooked onto J. M. Coetzee's 'Disgrace' and have been grateful to him ever since. Its an eloquent narration of an aging Professor's life as it spirals into web of disgrace and compromises when his torrid affair with a young student is exposed. The language is exquisite without being flowery or overwhelming and the conflicts are very real and humane. There is no extraordinary message of "triumph over all odds" that the author is trying to relay; he's just telling a story as if it has happened and his unpretentious, unassuming writing makes this Booker winner poignant. A recommended read for people who enjoy pure, unadulterated literature.

Right now, I am onto Orhan Pamuk's 'My name is Red' and from the first few pages, its hitting all the right notes with me...I can't quite describe the joy of reading a truly wonderful book; even if I decide to exhaust all the superlatives known to me, I don't think I can ever come close to documenting the ecstasy and its after-effects that accompanies a real good read. Maybe someday when I have accumulated enough literary wisdom and have the power of effective vocabulary at my finger tips, I might begin to put together a blog dedicated to the immense, varicolored joys of a good reading...

Maybe someday....

A vampire boyfriend is FINE by me...

Till the night before I read the book, "Twilight" I was absolutely flabbergasted by the amount of fervor this series has caused worldwide...The movies, the characters, the actors playing them, the memoribilia, the dialogue, the author, the production house, the release dates, what happened on the sets? Who's romancing who? Who should romance who? Who should wear what? Are RobPatz (male lead) and KrisStew (female lead) dating? Why aren't they? Why should they? Why shouldn't they? If not them, then who? What are they wearing to the premiere? What should they really wear? Why the hairstyle like that? On which airport was RobPatz mobbed again?...each and every thing associated with 'Twilight' series is chewed, ruminated, spit out, then chewed again, debated about, comprehended, re-evaluated, re-examined, cross verified, questioned, scruntinised, glorified, idolised and it then starts all over again.

It all seemed so frenzied, crazy, unjustified - what is all this? And what for? A teenage romance between a human and a vampire...I mean what's new here? Haven't all the vampire stories been inspired by the singular thought that humans, in general have this irresistible, fatal attraction towards vampires and the struggle lies in the ultimate choice between tempestous desire and life preserving logic? The last time I recall, such a literary furore was caused by the Harry Potter series and the atleast the basic idea of a boy wizard and his adventures was original. (The rest however was heavily inspired by JRR Tolkien, Terry Pratchet's original imaginative tombs about alternate worlds) I loved the Harry Potter books till I reached the No.4 - HP and Goblet of Fire and then I realised that the creative Rowling is merely writing endlessly, minus any real plot or conflict to add to the pages (to justify the big price label it came with) and catering to the whims, fancies and sky-high, ridiculously unreal and conflicting zillion expectations of a million fans. No wonder the story meanders, the plot thins out and the characters are sublimely lost in their own oxymoronizations. No.5, 6, 7 are not much salvaged either. But that's another blog story.

So the moral of the story is that the premise of Twilight isn't even as original as HP to begin with, then how come it caught the fancy of so many people? I set myself to the task...and opened the first page of Twilight. For the rest of the night, with the exceptions of the uncontrollable gasps and embarassingly audible "Oh!" and "Oh my God!"I didn't spend a second on anything else but the page and finished the novel by morning. To call it a literary achievement by any standard is plain ignorance talking but I must say it was a hell lot of entertainment and the 'picture-perfect' vampire boyfriend that she resurrects to life is wolf whistle - worthy. ABSOLUTELY!!

He's the embodiment of all Godsent boyfriend virtues: he's drop dead gorgeous, old world charming, intelligent with witty banter, well etiquetted, mysterious, funny, sarcastic but not hurtful, loves you to death (can't resist a chuckle here for the pun unintended - vampires loving humans to death, hehe), has a good handwriting, great dancer, blessed with a terrific family that will stand by him and his choices, fabulously rich, zooms around in expensive, shiny cars at Schumacher speeds, doesn't mind being an extremely punctual pick-up and drop guy, carries you around in his arms or on his back whether you are hurt or not, sneaks stealthily into the house at night just to watch you sleep and doesn't wake you up by moronically dropping something, helps pack bags, grows jealous of other men's unsavory attention, stands in the path of your fatal troubles and most importantly - LISTENS TO YOU AND ANSWERS YOUR QUESTIONS TRUTHFULLY!!

And then ofcourse since he's a vampire, he runs faster than the wind, is ageless, agile and superhuman in strength, well versed with most of the subjects, his skin sparkles in the sunlight with the light of a thousand diamonds, has a special talent to listen to people's thoughts (this is not always welcome but whatever!), lives in a magnificient, era-appropriate mansion, is seductive to the point of leaving you breathless and make your heartbeat sound like a nanosecond ticker....ufff the list is endless. To top it all, he does not even have his characteristic, unvoguish fangs. So no accidental/scary/embarassing social revelations and reduced chances of injuries during ballistic tonsil hockey. And all that goes against him is that he's a vampire, irregularly moody, has temper issues when others hurt his loved ones...a few things here and there. Again, his vampirism is only animal-oriented, no humans preyed so that's like almost being a non-vegetarian. There you go, that's the character...now which girl wouldn't want a guy like this? So what if she has to deal with a few age and race problems? I mean you are getting to be with God for the price of a few minutes spent penancing. That's it!!

And he is all this to a girl, who's hilariously accident prone, suffers from low esteem, is decently smart but not exceptionally intelligent, doesn't have looks to kill for, is admittedly shabby at dressing, non-ambitious, not prodigious but with a surprising ability to accept shocking truths with a poker face. Their romance begins conventionally; damsel-in-distress meets the knight in shining armor, he rescues her and they fall in love. And then come the series of the top 100 most romantic moments (some original, some inspired, many cliched, less refined) which the DESPERATELY-in-LOVE couple share and we begin to be overwhelmed by the absoluteamazingfantabulouslovability of the hero Edward Cullen. Some of the dialogues are witty like "My car is like a grandfather to your car, so show some respect" but most of them are repetitive and nerve-tiring like the ever-boring 'I love you so much', 'I love you too', 'I just want you to be safe', 'I want to be with you forever' 'I really care about you' 'Me too...'etc. etc. If you remove these lines from the book except for once maybe, I guess the 260-page love tomb will be reduced to a 170-page supercrush dossier, maybe even lesser. But anyways gotta make it look BIG, I guess! So what if the plot doesn't spread out beyond 70 pages, somehow it should be stretched mighty to fool the reader into believing that they are witnessing romance of epic proportions...

But none of the above criticism can deny the fact that I was positively hooked onto the book and loved reading it so much that I finished it in one go. And the reason was ofcourse Edward 'Heartthrob' Cullen. There's such a temptation to him; a danger, a desire, all the while walking a thin line between thoughtless adulation and moronic idolization. It was one of the few times that I didn't want to intellectualize a character, find any reality or logic or even suspended believability to him. I just felt like I needed to let go for once and let my heart feel the abandon that comes with uninhibited reaction of the senses. I didn't want my mind to analyse any of those reactions and then carefully separate out the few dignified, justified and mature ones. For once, I let myself be childlike and unsmart. And it worked...I felt such bliss acknowledging this literary (??) supercrush after an enormous hiatus following my infactuations with Rhett Butler and Mark Darcy once upon a time. This is not to say that he's even a fraction as well-written as Rhett or Mark was, but just that he is the kind of ravishing boyfriend that every teenage girl wishes for and I caught myself foolishly drooling over his well-cultivated, manipulative awesomeness to realize that there's still a 15-year old kiddo inside of me who would scan the skies every night to chance upon a falling star.

And to top it all he's played by Robert Pattinson...God have mercy!!

The Lars Loneliness

Just saw the movie, "Lars and the real girl" and identified with it immensely. It tells the quirky tale of a sweet, innocent guy called Lars who begins to treat a doll as his girlfriend and lives the entire life cycle of a relationship with her, imagining her side of the conversations, her choices, her life story, her preferences giving her such emotional depth that in the end when she 'dies', people in his church congregation shed a silent tear for her. It is such an amazing, unbelievable plot made so freakingly acceptable that you are compelled to empathise with the characters inspite of their seemingly lunatic behavior that borders on the extremes of ridiculousness.

Even though the premise of the story is crackling, the real beauty lies in the fact that inspite of Lars' mooniness, people around him try and adjust to his new reality, patiently accepting Bianca (his doll girlfriend) as a real person, even getting her jobs as a model (cute!!), a school story book reader (with a tape recorder) and giving her makeovers. Ofcourse there is the initial discomfort and disquiet that a few of the them experience but eventually they go along with the pretense of it and somewhere I think, most of them feel a sort of companionship with the mute doll and a comfort in her inoffensive, unassuming presence.

There are also some hilarious mini-anecdotes about grown-up co-workers and their possessiveness over little action figures and teddy bears. I guess all of us have such affections for non-living things and I think that is the writer's way of saying that Lars is a normal person, just very lonely and socially inept, probably due to supposed-problems with his upbringing by a single parent, having had lost his mother at birth and that his attachment to the doll is just a magnified, blown up version of our own quirky, little, emotional ties with our lifeless possessions. I guess all of us are lonely; if not always, atleast at some point of time in our lives and not everyone is lucky enough to find a real person to share their troubles with, so we (as in we, the absolute irrational, illogical beings that we become sometimes) seek solace in the non-judgmental company of our little toys. And that's real...

Do watch the film...it is a little slow at times, but amusing and thought-provoking for most of it.

My newest love..

The day I purchased the iPod, I realized that I probably made the second best investment of my life (the first being my laptop). It is absolutely fantastic!! Though I am the queen of over exaggeration, I swear there’s none of it here. To me, my iPod is a gorgeous piece of equipment that sucks me out instantly from the occasionally dull routine of everyday life and transports (or rather in the Harry Potter universe ‘disapparates’ me) to another world where music and lyrics lay out a fascinating conundrum of ideas, imaginative possibilities, meshed up with my memories and spruced up by a dash of inspiration.

It is like my wired chair from the colorless, drab Zion to the deceptively seductive Matrix of infinite, superficial pleasures –the passion, the madness that only love can summon, the high that only drugs can give, the abandon that comes with irresponsibility, the intolerable pain that heartbreak brings, the adrenaline rush of a bungee fall; sometimes all at one go…One minute I am this zombie, sleepwalking through life with the maddening city bustling around me and the next minute as the iPod plugs in, I become this high-octane, supercharged megatron zooming past people, places experiencing everything on a different level of rhythm- induced fauxmoreality that seems more pulsating as I see things happen over the background track playing in my ears.

For eg: Like if I am at the railway station trying to break through the ranks of people, in an attempt to catch the elusive fast train and say the track ‘Adiemus’ (from the incomparable ‘Lord of the Rings’) is playing on the iPod, I begin to imagine myself as a hapless warrior trying to break through the enemy ranks, vanquishing hostile beings with every swish of my sword, inspite of my numerous, failing wounds, all in a desperate attempt to somehow make it to my fatally-wounded beloved’s side before death claims him forever. And trust me; this helps to enjoy the otherwise tragically unpleasant and tiring task of having to run for the train, day after day. It is so filmy, I know….but it is better than real life.

Then at other times, when I watch a couple walk by on the road, chatting, talking, laughing; generally enjoying each other’s company, I associate it with the love song playing in my ears. Suddenly the lyrics come alive, the tune becomes more melodious, it is like I am watching a mini movie unfold before me. And I remain astounded at how close these artistes, these musicians come to capture the essence of emotions in their words, their tunes…and how close I am getting to experiencing it thanks to the iPod.

And it is not just the music…Since I have the classic iPod, I have trailers…Lovely trailers of movies that seem eminently watchable and will most certainly never be released in India…How I love my country!! But still, it’s a joy to watch them. And then there are podcasts; about films, scriptwriting et all - masterfully narrated or intellectually discussed in interviews that are just like icing on the cake to the already piled-up fantabulousness of the iPod…

The only glitch though is that I have to exercise a very high level of self-control and try not to break into an impromptu sing-and-dance routine when I am listening to my favorite dance numbers….and that happens almost every day atleast a hundred times, so it’s a real test for me…but otherwise I am doing great with my iPod. Thank you, Steve Jobs!! You are a genius.

Right now the theme song of my life: ‘Jump’ by Madonna.

That's me!!

I am the kind of person who'd die, go to heaven, be welcomed by the angels, have a seat all decorated for me, be escorted by beautiful demi-gods who'd take me to it, have a symphony played as I walk down to it, then as I sit on it and the ceremony reaches a crescendo, I realize that it is the sacramental seat for those to be sent as an envoy to hell - forever!!! And for what??? To try and reform the evil there....

That's all there is to my life!! No real heaven...only detour trips through it to hell....

Raindrops keep falling on...

Hey check out this pics that i clicked the other day at home; nothing new about them but was fun...

No photoshopping here; they are cropped a little though for effects....

Like a century has passed me by...

It does feel like that these days...I mean from the time that I left college, then joined Wipro, then left Wipro, then joined Mindscreen, studied, learnt, experienced there, then passed out, did films as an assistant, each one unique, met different people; people of all levels - moral, social, intellectual, spiritual, professional....got more than a peek at the stars - their lives, their ways, their mannerisms, their dedication to the job, their success, their pain, the way people perceive them, the way they truly are....seems like an eternity since that last day at college...I was 21 then, in a matter of 5 years, I feel like I have lived through 5 decades of life...and yet there are lapses of time in between where I remember being all by myself, devoid of any human contact for days together. Still I have so many million moments of having discovered people, one little idiosyncrasy at a time. And so many of them. And I remember them as if I have had them yesterday.

Sometimes I feel like I lived my life well....but then again maybe not. I spent time poring over books when other girls were discovering nailpolishes, scrap books and romances. I was visiting encyclopedic websites when others went club hopping; I was locked up in my room doing self-assigned projects when people were opening up to idea of beach vacations and rain dances. I was struggling to find my vocation when most were climbing up the professional ladder with the gusto of a trained tiger out to make a kill. Most of my friends are married by now, some might even be expecting a kid while I am still to even begin a decent relationship(an almost impossible concept to me) . I don't know if I am a loser or just one of those people who take too long...but then again how much is too long?

I'd like to think I am a little different....maybe not always in a good way but almost never in a bad way. I have taken time with things but then I have learnt my lessons well. I have never had a romance but I can bet my a** I can write a great love story. And even if I spend very less time with others in general, my mind makes every moment count. And to top it all, I have learnt to live centuries within a span of years...So even if die tomorrow, it hasn't been a sad life. Well a little sad but definitely not uninteresting.

I always thought I would wake up one day when I am 35, completely unable to recognise my husband lying next to me, dripping with sweat after having had a terrifying nightmare, unable to recall most of my boring life except the one moment when I should have made a decision to switch to what I really wanted to do and didn't find the courage to go ahead with it...This was my greatest fear till the day I changed the course of my life. Today I am not who I want to be but atleast I am somewhere on that path....not on the top but definitely trying to figure the best way up there...I guess it ain't too bad...somehow...

I believe..

That emptiness is the beginning of a new Universe

A whiff is the strain of a new scent

A lonely thread spurns a yarn

And a drifting heartbeat eventually makes a song

And that the Universe with these million scents woven into a thousand yarns floating amidst the beseeching melodies is worth the chaos of the Big Bang!!